Saturday, January 22, 2011

Fourth of July - what could have been

I could easily go nuts right now with the comments made today by my oh-so loving mother, but I'm holding back.  I only threw the phone across the couch and retreated inward to avoid the negativity.  Instead of boring you with this rage, I will reflect on a more important issue. 
Instead of explaining the importance of the 4th of July in general, and my ever growing sense of pride for my husband, I will explain why the 4th means even more to us. 
July 4th, 2005 Cody was home for R&R and we had made our first attempt at trying to conceive on our own.  Little did we know that it would be easytrying to get pregnant.  We had a great weekend planned up in Atlanta for the 4th.  We had tickets to a Braves vs Cubs game (Cody loves the Cubs, and I despise them, but since I'm such a great wife I not only bought him tickets to the game, but also a jersey as well).  That morning I decided to take a pregnancy test, since I was only a couple days shy of starting my period.  Holy shit it was positive!  I freaked, he freaked, we freaked.  It worked on the first try!  No WAY!  Ok, ok, breathe.  Considering we were young, naive, and blind to what our future would hold we blurted the news to any and every one.  We were on cloud nine, and the 4th of July could not have been any more perfect, as I felt Cody rub my tummy as we watched the fireworks that evening at Turner Field.  Just a couple days later Cody headed back to Iraq to finish up his tour, and it was hard, harder then I could imagine having to say goodbye again after we had just found out the most exciting news in the world. 
How quickly our conversations changed to discuss baby names, how stupid were we?  Seriously!  Just before August started, the most horrifying event happened to me.  I started off with some light spotting and called some close friends who said it was probably nothing, but to call just in case.  I called the hospital and they said if it continues to go to the ER.  My mom was visiting me and had already started buying a couple baby outfits, blankets, and a couple maternity shirts for me to wear.  That evening we made the trip to the ER, which we waited for hours to see someone and when we finally did I had an U/S where the tech didn't sound like things were very promising when she asked me oh, how far along are you?  Hmm...the baby isn't measuring that far, but I can't say anything I'm just a tech.  Then why the fuck did you say anything at all bitch?  I called the next day to schedule a follow up appointment and actually saw someone in OBGYN, alone.  I didn't want my mother there, I didn't want anyone except my baby.  The doctor did an exam and at that moment I was miscarrying and I will not share the rest of the details of that day, because they are still too traumatic to live through again (even 3 years later). 
I spent the next 5 months seeing the doctor and not get any answers as to why I wasn't getting a period.  When Cody arrived home safely in December we continued our attempt to get pregnant, but little did we know it wasn't as simple as just trying.  From July to April I had 2 periods that were induced with progesterone and had, had enough.  After fighting with the doctor and finally getting someone to listen to me from patient affairs I was referred out to an RE.  We started the process in May and found out that the pill had convinced my body that I was "normal," and that it was a miracle I even got pregnant in the first place.  That was hard to swallow.  We attempted our first cycle on Clomid and were unsuccessful.  I can recall that elevator ride as if it were yesterday.  As soon as those doors shut I lost it, and Cody (being the strong one in the relationship) promised me that everything would work out. 
That August we got our positive pregnancy test and April 11, 2007 we brought that little miracle baby into the world. 
Not only will I my heart be booming with pride tomorrow for Cody's unmistakable self service to this country, but I will be remembering where we were 3 years ago.  It's a day that I will never forget, and even though it was short lived, and we were faced with so many unknowns, I can't help but wonder if these twins were give to us to remember, and never forget our first. 

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