Saturday, April 23, 2011

When reality sets in...

I have been pretty good about shoving these feelings deep down just to avoid facing their hard truth.
 
Let me first start by saying I am happy with the majority of my life.  We (my family) are all meshing smoothly together and able to spend quite a bit of quality time together, which is huge. 

But, I am still feeling lost. 

 I had simple goals: get married, have children, and teach.  Check, check, and check.

Soon it was up to me to produce our future, and I could not.  I was not good enough.  I forced these changes. 

These changes had to be made and I just followed along dutifully. 

I researched and tried to plan for the unknown and made a decision to head back to school.

I do believe this is the direction I want to head in, but what if I am again not good enough?  What if my short stint at a career is all I get?  What if  I live in the shadows of everyone elses' successes and forget who I once was? 

I'm nearing thirty in a couple of years and feel like I should be settled in all aspects of my life, but what if I don't ever find that place?  What if I continue to feel lost, always searching for my greater purpose, but never find it? 

6 comments:

  1. oh carrie, i do so wish we lived closer together. i have spaced myself out this year has been really hard for me under many of those same reasons...i will write a post tomorrow and maybe if i share you wont feel as lost, happy easter enjoy it there has to be a set of bunny ears some where you can chomp off!

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  2. Don't think negative thoughts! You CAN do it! You've already proved that you are an amazing and very strong woman. Go forth and conquer!

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  3. I constantly wonder if I'm good enough. If I'm doing what I should be doing. The one thing I've come to realize is that putting a timeline on things doesn't help...my advice would be to avoid doing that...because if you go looking for your purpose you might not find it. Let it find you.

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  4. I think feeling like that is pretty normal. You know how to roll with the punches ;-) So just go with it! You are an amazing mom and strong woman. If you can handle parenting, then no worries ;-)

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  5. I totally think this is normal. I know that I am waiting for the next "big thing" and even though I have no idea what it is, I know that where I am right now isn't it. I also feel that everything is more complicated with three tiny little ones.

    I have a career, but I still have no idea what I really want to be when I grow up. I have thoughts, but I'm not sure how to implement them.

    For what it's worth, you're normal - or I'm crazy with you. ;)

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  6. Maybe it's normal. I'm probably close to ten years older than you and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I think all you can do is to do what feels right and what makes sense. We can only do and be so much.

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