Saturday, January 22, 2011

Will I be enough?

This evening we received the third and last box from my mom.  One box contained clothes for Addyson, since she is quickly outgrowing her 18 month clothing, and the other two boxes we received today contained clothes for the twins, one box weighed 19 pounds, so you can imagine the amount of clothing the twins received.  I will have to save some of the outfits for show and tell, because they are too cute not to share.   Do I appreciate everything we received?  Of course...but it's just not that simple with my mom.  Receiving gifts from my mom is her way of showing she cares.  I did not grow up feeling or seeing love from my mom.  I truly believe that my mom despises her children and her entire life.  She never seems happy, and this is how she has always been.  There are many different instances where she has said some extremely hateful things about her children and life.  Many of those times I have been beaten down by her comments and have had to reevaluate my self worth.  I was left to sort out all of the details and figure out why I deserved to be treated as if I were the scum around the bottom of the toilet.  Why was I not worthy of love?  What had I done wrong in my life to make my own mother truly hate me?  It has taken me over 22 years to figure out that I was better then my mother and did not deserve her manipulation.  I had to learn to stand up for myself and remember who I was as a person.  I promised myself that I would NOT allow my own mother to take away my identity. 
Those years of damage have effected me both negatively and positively.  I feel that I grab on to Cody sometimes too much.  He has been there for me during these many ups and downs with my mom and has always been there to pick me back up.  He is the one that has made me believe in myself and has been so patient with me.  He has learned to just ignore my pessimistic attitude and low self esteem and instead has tried to to guide me towards appreciating and accepting who I am. 
I think I finally stepped up to the plate and decided to not stop swinging when Addyson entered the world.  I promised her and myself that I would not be the same person my mother was to me.  I will always love her and let her know that.  She will never have to question her own self worth or have to pick up the pieces of her life because of the way I have treated her.  Instead she will know and feel what love truly is.  To all of my future children, I promise to show them unconditional love.  They will never have to question or figure out what love is all about, because they will always have my love.  It's as simple as telling my children "I love them" several times a day, giving them hugs, and kisses daily as well.  I did not have that with my mom and feel that I probably overdue it with Cody and Addyson.  I just don't want anyone to ever question my love for them, and feel that I have to show it and prove it them over and over again. 
Does anyone else ever feel that they do the complete opposite as their mother or parents in general?  Are you afraid to make the same mistakes they made?  I know I can't be the only one who had anything but a normal relationship with their mother growing up.

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