We're in a clouded maze trying to find our way back to each other. Who we used to be has died and now we have to find out who we are today and who we'll be tomorrow. It is going to take a long time to get it all figured out, but I know it will happen some day. Our bond as one has been shattered and needs to be rebuilt. When you literally do not have any alone time together, you lose the us and become two separate people living two completely different lives. I pray that through it all we will become stronger then before, that's the only way I'm holding on.
No one can prepare you for life after children, and I feel like we are experiencing it all for the first time. I know that it is due to Cody not being here to help raise Addyson until recently. Not only is he learning how to raise an infant, but two at a time is a struggle. From the moment he walks into the door after work, it is pure chaos until the wee hours of the night.
5:30pm - eat dinner while babies are typically being fed (propped up)
6 - 6:30 pm - bath for Addyson (still feeding babies)
7pm - story and bed for Addyson
7:15 - 9:30 pm : bath (every other night) for the babies, give them their meds, put on pjs and work on getting them to bed.
9 - 10 pm :Kinsley goes to bed
8 - 11 pm or later : tend to a fussy, never wanting to go to sleep Eligh.
Once Eligh goes to sleep we both pass out, minimal talking is done at this point because of pure exhaustion.
Between 2 and 4 am Kinsley wakes up for a feeding then heads back to bed until 7 am.
Eligh sleeps until 4/5 am eats and heads back to bed until 7:30/8am.
As you can see there is no more us time. When we are together we are usually discussing what to try next with Eligh and that's it.
It's an adjustment to go from having nightly time when it was just Addyson to having no time whatsoever. I know that when that miraculous night comes where the babies both sleep through the night then we can get back to us time and work on recreating an us. Until then we are at a standstill watching from the sidelines anticipating each other's next move.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, January 22, 2011
From three to five
This is it! The LAST weekend we will spend as a family of three. Next weekend we'll be bringing home two new babies and extending our family to five. Some of us tend to jump in numbers rather then slowly grow one by one. Just 5 more days of putting just Addyson to bed, 5 more dinners just the three of us, only 5 more nights that Cody and I will have a few hours of relaxation without any interruptions, just 4 more mornings to wake up between 7 and 8, just 5 more days of dealing with congestion, 5 more days of pelvic pain and pressure, 5 more days of heartburn hell, just 5 more days until our life is going to be forever changed....just 5, 5 more days.
I know that I can make it through these next few days, and I'm holding these babies in by resting as much as possible. I can't guarantee that Addyson will help matters, as she jumps on my belly almost all day. I think someone is anxious to meet her siblings (or maybe she just wants her mommy to be "normal" again). Of course I will have to heal and will be in pain, but that's what drugs arefor (to help minimize that pain). I know that there is an end to it all and I will be able to see my feet again, and that my stomach will be much smaller (it won't look pretty, but it will be smaller). Eventually I will be able to walk comfortably again, I'll be able to run through the house after Addyson, play in Addyson's toy room, and be able to move from sitting to standing at a much faster rate.
I cannot, though, for the life of me actually picture the babies here. I cannot see them in my arms getting hugs and kisses, or even picture them at home with us. I went through the same disbelief with Addyson. I just can't picture that we will be so lucky to actually be blessed with two more children, and thus cannot see them in our lives. I can, though, picture not being pregnant any more. Odd, I know. But, nothing about me is truly "normal."
So, as the day comes to a close and Cody is home for the weekend we will be trying to cherish these last few days as a family of three soon to grow to 5in just a matter of 5 days. I will spend most of the weekend grading papers and writing up progress reports, but I'm going to try and take mental snap shots of the time we share together this weekend, for it will be our last as just us 3. Instead of focusing on all the pain Addyson is causing me as she jumps on my belly, I will focus on how she is just trying to get close to me and give me lots of love. Instead of focusing on the pain I feel when I walk any where, I will just grit my teeth and put on a smile and remember these moments. No pain no gain, right?
And I would like to add....Ike you better listen: "Stay far, far away! You will NOT ruin my delivery! I have done everything I can to hold off on having these babies until Wednesday, and I will NOT allow you to take that away from me. Damnit...I think I deserve to have the babies at the hospital I have chosen with the doctor I am comfortable with. I repeat: STAY THE HELL AWAY!!!"
I know that I can make it through these next few days, and I'm holding these babies in by resting as much as possible. I can't guarantee that Addyson will help matters, as she jumps on my belly almost all day. I think someone is anxious to meet her siblings (or maybe she just wants her mommy to be "normal" again). Of course I will have to heal and will be in pain, but that's what drugs arefor (to help minimize that pain). I know that there is an end to it all and I will be able to see my feet again, and that my stomach will be much smaller (it won't look pretty, but it will be smaller). Eventually I will be able to walk comfortably again, I'll be able to run through the house after Addyson, play in Addyson's toy room, and be able to move from sitting to standing at a much faster rate.
I cannot, though, for the life of me actually picture the babies here. I cannot see them in my arms getting hugs and kisses, or even picture them at home with us. I went through the same disbelief with Addyson. I just can't picture that we will be so lucky to actually be blessed with two more children, and thus cannot see them in our lives. I can, though, picture not being pregnant any more. Odd, I know. But, nothing about me is truly "normal."
So, as the day comes to a close and Cody is home for the weekend we will be trying to cherish these last few days as a family of three soon to grow to 5in just a matter of 5 days. I will spend most of the weekend grading papers and writing up progress reports, but I'm going to try and take mental snap shots of the time we share together this weekend, for it will be our last as just us 3. Instead of focusing on all the pain Addyson is causing me as she jumps on my belly, I will focus on how she is just trying to get close to me and give me lots of love. Instead of focusing on the pain I feel when I walk any where, I will just grit my teeth and put on a smile and remember these moments. No pain no gain, right?
And I would like to add....Ike you better listen: "Stay far, far away! You will NOT ruin my delivery! I have done everything I can to hold off on having these babies until Wednesday, and I will NOT allow you to take that away from me. Damnit...I think I deserve to have the babies at the hospital I have chosen with the doctor I am comfortable with. I repeat: STAY THE HELL AWAY!!!"
Will I be enough?
This evening we received the third and last box from my mom. One box contained clothes for Addyson, since she is quickly outgrowing her 18 month clothing, and the other two boxes we received today contained clothes for the twins, one box weighed 19 pounds, so you can imagine the amount of clothing the twins received. I will have to save some of the outfits for show and tell, because they are too cute not to share. Do I appreciate everything we received? Of course...but it's just not that simple with my mom. Receiving gifts from my mom is her way of showing she cares. I did not grow up feeling or seeing love from my mom. I truly believe that my mom despises her children and her entire life. She never seems happy, and this is how she has always been. There are many different instances where she has said some extremely hateful things about her children and life. Many of those times I have been beaten down by her comments and have had to reevaluate my self worth. I was left to sort out all of the details and figure out why I deserved to be treated as if I were the scum around the bottom of the toilet. Why was I not worthy of love? What had I done wrong in my life to make my own mother truly hate me? It has taken me over 22 years to figure out that I was better then my mother and did not deserve her manipulation. I had to learn to stand up for myself and remember who I was as a person. I promised myself that I would NOT allow my own mother to take away my identity.
Those years of damage have effected me both negatively and positively. I feel that I grab on to Cody sometimes too much. He has been there for me during these many ups and downs with my mom and has always been there to pick me back up. He is the one that has made me believe in myself and has been so patient with me. He has learned to just ignore my pessimistic attitude and low self esteem and instead has tried to to guide me towards appreciating and accepting who I am.
I think I finally stepped up to the plate and decided to not stop swinging when Addyson entered the world. I promised her and myself that I would not be the same person my mother was to me. I will always love her and let her know that. She will never have to question her own self worth or have to pick up the pieces of her life because of the way I have treated her. Instead she will know and feel what love truly is. To all of my future children, I promise to show them unconditional love. They will never have to question or figure out what love is all about, because they will always have my love. It's as simple as telling my children "I love them" several times a day, giving them hugs, and kisses daily as well. I did not have that with my mom and feel that I probably overdue it with Cody and Addyson. I just don't want anyone to ever question my love for them, and feel that I have to show it and prove it them over and over again.
Does anyone else ever feel that they do the complete opposite as their mother or parents in general? Are you afraid to make the same mistakes they made? I know I can't be the only one who had anything but a normal relationship with their mother growing up.
Those years of damage have effected me both negatively and positively. I feel that I grab on to Cody sometimes too much. He has been there for me during these many ups and downs with my mom and has always been there to pick me back up. He is the one that has made me believe in myself and has been so patient with me. He has learned to just ignore my pessimistic attitude and low self esteem and instead has tried to to guide me towards appreciating and accepting who I am.
I think I finally stepped up to the plate and decided to not stop swinging when Addyson entered the world. I promised her and myself that I would not be the same person my mother was to me. I will always love her and let her know that. She will never have to question her own self worth or have to pick up the pieces of her life because of the way I have treated her. Instead she will know and feel what love truly is. To all of my future children, I promise to show them unconditional love. They will never have to question or figure out what love is all about, because they will always have my love. It's as simple as telling my children "I love them" several times a day, giving them hugs, and kisses daily as well. I did not have that with my mom and feel that I probably overdue it with Cody and Addyson. I just don't want anyone to ever question my love for them, and feel that I have to show it and prove it them over and over again.
Does anyone else ever feel that they do the complete opposite as their mother or parents in general? Are you afraid to make the same mistakes they made? I know I can't be the only one who had anything but a normal relationship with their mother growing up.
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