I have been pretty good about shoving these feelings deep down just to avoid facing their hard truth.
Let me first start by saying I am happy with the majority of my life. We (my family) are all meshing smoothly together and able to spend quite a bit of quality time together, which is huge.
But, I am still feeling lost.
I had simple goals: get married, have children, and teach. Check, check, and check.
Soon it was up to me to produce our future, and I could not. I was not good enough. I forced these changes.
These changes had to be made and I just followed along dutifully.
I researched and tried to plan for the unknown and made a decision to head back to school.
I do believe this is the direction I want to head in, but what if I am again not good enough? What if my short stint at a career is all I get? What if I live in the shadows of everyone elses' successes and forget who I once was?
I'm nearing thirty in a couple of years and feel like I should be settled in all aspects of my life, but what if I don't ever find that place? What if I continue to feel lost, always searching for my greater purpose, but never find it?
oh carrie, i do so wish we lived closer together. i have spaced myself out this year has been really hard for me under many of those same reasons...i will write a post tomorrow and maybe if i share you wont feel as lost, happy easter enjoy it there has to be a set of bunny ears some where you can chomp off!
ReplyDeleteDon't think negative thoughts! You CAN do it! You've already proved that you are an amazing and very strong woman. Go forth and conquer!
ReplyDeleteI constantly wonder if I'm good enough. If I'm doing what I should be doing. The one thing I've come to realize is that putting a timeline on things doesn't help...my advice would be to avoid doing that...because if you go looking for your purpose you might not find it. Let it find you.
ReplyDeleteI think feeling like that is pretty normal. You know how to roll with the punches ;-) So just go with it! You are an amazing mom and strong woman. If you can handle parenting, then no worries ;-)
ReplyDeleteI totally think this is normal. I know that I am waiting for the next "big thing" and even though I have no idea what it is, I know that where I am right now isn't it. I also feel that everything is more complicated with three tiny little ones.
ReplyDeleteI have a career, but I still have no idea what I really want to be when I grow up. I have thoughts, but I'm not sure how to implement them.
For what it's worth, you're normal - or I'm crazy with you. ;)
Maybe it's normal. I'm probably close to ten years older than you and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I think all you can do is to do what feels right and what makes sense. We can only do and be so much.
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