Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Swimsuit attire gone wrong

I have to talk about the dreaded subject of swimsuits, because it is driving me bananas. 

We now have a much quicker and two minute drive to one of three free pools.  The one we have visited the past two days has two diving boards, a curvy slide, and a toddler zone with a mini pool and sprayers.  Tomorrow I am going to walk to the smaller pool that is just a walk away, but has strange hours. 

Anywho, I am just flabbergasted at what women/men think is appropriate swimsuit attire.  Now, I will offer my advice on "what not to wear at the pool:"

  • If you have stretchmarks circling around you like the rivers all over the world, do NOT wear a two piece.
  • If you have loads of loose skin that flaps around, do NOT wear a two piece. 
  • If you have rolls while standing up, do NOT wear a two piece.
  • If you have a booty that is cottage cheesed filled and can rest an entire dinner plate on, please make sure your bottoms FIT. 
  • If you are largely pregnant, please do NOT tan your belly.  (You may disagree with this, but I think it is ridiculous, but I'm also not a fan of tanning and prefer to take baths in sunscreen)
  • Men are NEVER EVER allowed to wear "banana hammocks" EVER
I can say all of this, because I have many of these qualities, but cover up in appropriate attire that hides all of the flappy, hanging, stretched out skin.

What are some other "no-no's" to swimsuit attire you have recently witnessed?


  1. Okay, I am TOTALLY guilty of the pregnant belly being shown...though it was in an indoor pool. Sammy had swimming lessons when I was 6-9 months pregnant. I just couldn't justify shelling out $100+ for a suit so I rocked my bikini. I felt weird about it. But I did it. (no stretch marks so hopefully it wasn't totally awful looking!)

    I agree with the rest. And I'd like to add:
    -if you can see your nipples, your top does not provide enough coverage.
    -if I can tell if you shave/wax everything, your bottom does not provide enough coverage.
    -wearing your clothes in the pool does not a swimsuit make.

  2. I had some of the exact same thoughts when we were at the waterpark in Orlando. I was hoping that the men walking around in speedos were European. They had their little boys in them too. AHHHHHHHHH There were also some boys and men running around in what looked like a cross between a speedo and boy shorts that girls wear for panties. Oh- I also saw a woman in a swimsuit that looked like a hybrid of a thong and regular bikini bottoms with a little V at the top in the back. It kind of reminded me of the high waisted leotard things that people wore in the 80's. I was hoping she was European as well. LOL

    Also, if your boobs hang past your belly button, you should think about some serious underwire support! That was probably the worst sight I saw while there.

    I wear a two piece, and feel a bit self conscious, but I only have a little roll of fat when I'm standing up, and I try to cover my stomach when sitting down. So, it's ok, right???????? My husband says I look great, but I think he's biased.

  3. This post made me laugh out loud.

    I totally agree. Many people put way too much out there on display. Pre-children, I could totally rock a bikini -- but I was skinny. Now, there is no way this belly is going on display. Oh, how tempting a tummy tuck seems... ;)

  4. Haha...I was a the pool yesterday thinking so many of these thoughts. Also, if you're a lifeguard, please take your nipple rings out before reporting for duty!


Don't just read, say something! Sorry, I had to add the word verification - I am being spammed.