Today is my younger sister's 27th birthday. The kiddos made a couple birthday videos of them singing to her, which she loved, and I talked to her for a little bit as well.
And then I get the text: "We can't have kids. (Insert husband's name) had his appointment today and there is nothing they can do to help him produce any sperm."
Sigh.
I was the first and only one to know. We have this infertility connection that no one in the family understands. Yes, I have three kids, but I am still infertile. And now, the last one of my siblings, who waited to get pregnant, cannot. And to get the final news on her birthday?! Fucking (yep, I'm using this nasty word) slap in the face.
She knows they have options, but right now those options are buried deep in the ground, and all they see is pain and heartache. I wish I could make it all go away or do something to help ease her pain.....
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Monday, October 17, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I want one of those obnoxious, neon, lighted signs
The night of the rehearsal, my soon-to-be-married sister decided that I would be giving out communion during the wedding. First thought, GERMS! Yes, I said my 1st thought was germs (I know I'm a little, ok very demented).
Wedding, I go up to hand out communion along with my brother who was chosen, also at the last minute, to give the wine. The priest offers my brother and I before we all set down to offer communion to the rest of the guests. 1. I don't like wine and 2. GERMS.
Fast forward to going to my sister's house to leave the kiddos while we go to the reception.....my sister says, "You'll never guess what (cousin so and so) asked me at the church." Me: "What?" Sister: "He asked if you were pregnant, because you didn't drink the wine." This was just the beginning of the questions that were being fired at me.
1. When are you going to have another? never
2. You just never know what will happen. ha, ha. As if getting pregnant were easy
3. You want another set of twins? Not really planning on having any more.
4. Twins don't run in the family, how crazy. You are right, they don't. Clomid=increased chances for multiples. I am one of them.
5. You must have your hands full. Sure do. Don't really need to be reminded
6. You actually tried to have them this close? Army = long deployments.
I would love to have a scrolling neon sign to wear for such events where you are drilled and feel completely exposed by the time you go through your infertility. Not that most of the people try to understand everything you are saying, but damnit they need to know. The more we talk about infertility, the more awareness we can receive.
Wedding, I go up to hand out communion along with my brother who was chosen, also at the last minute, to give the wine. The priest offers my brother and I before we all set down to offer communion to the rest of the guests. 1. I don't like wine and 2. GERMS.
Fast forward to going to my sister's house to leave the kiddos while we go to the reception.....my sister says, "You'll never guess what (cousin so and so) asked me at the church." Me: "What?" Sister: "He asked if you were pregnant, because you didn't drink the wine." This was just the beginning of the questions that were being fired at me.
1. When are you going to have another? never
2. You just never know what will happen. ha, ha. As if getting pregnant were easy
3. You want another set of twins? Not really planning on having any more.
4. Twins don't run in the family, how crazy. You are right, they don't. Clomid=increased chances for multiples. I am one of them.
5. You must have your hands full. Sure do. Don't really need to be reminded
6. You actually tried to have them this close? Army = long deployments.
I would love to have a scrolling neon sign to wear for such events where you are drilled and feel completely exposed by the time you go through your infertility. Not that most of the people try to understand everything you are saying, but damnit they need to know. The more we talk about infertility, the more awareness we can receive.
The Infertility Rollercoaster
Wow, life surely is a rollercoaster ride.....
Cody and I had, had many conversations about increasing our family size sooner then later. We weighed all our options, and with Cody still having two years left in the army, there is a possibility that he may have to deploy one more time before getting out. Since he was so lucky to miss Addyson's entire first year of life, we did not want that to happen to our next child. We made a decision to try and conceive while he was home on R&R (around Xmas 2007); which is not as easy as it seems.
After having Addyson I thought everything was going to look up for me (as far as getting a regular period, etc). Well, that ended around September. I gave it until October and decided that I would indeed need to refer back to fertility drugs (i.e. Clomid) to get pregnant. I called my doctor (now that I have a doctor I can call----thank you United Healthcare) and we put forth a plan of trying to get me pregnant during those 20 days Cody would be home. We had it all planned out, and if everything worked out then we would indeed be able to conceive while Cody was home on R&R.
The journey to conceive was causing a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. Why? I swore I would not get my period after taking my progesterone. Finally...10 days after finishing Clomid she arrived (and it just so happened to be the day after Cody arrived home) --- ironic? Very! It was a blessing in disguise, that is for sure. I started taking my OPK tests the day after finishing clomid, and again was very discouraged. Would the lines every be the same??? Finally, on January 3, 2008 I got a positive OPK and ran back into the bedroom (mind you my old bedroom back home in Illinois ---- that's a whole other story) and announced with delight it was time. LOL!
Cody's R&R was extended until mid January, because his mother passed away while he was home on R&R. With all the stress of traveling to Illinois and my MIL passing away, I had truly given up on TTC and did not believe that I would get a positive HPT. Since Cody's leave was extended, I was able to test while he was home, and day after day I get coming back to bed pissed off. I so badly wanted a positive HPT. On day 10, I saw a faint line, a line I swore I was make believing. I woke Cody up and told him to take a look and he said that yes, there definitely was a line. OMG OMG!!! YAY!!! Then, began my obsession with testing daily twice a day to verify that I was pregnant and that the line was getting darker. The day before Cody was to head back to Iraq I had my blood drawn and at 12DPO my HCG level was 124 (which was a great number). So, I felt a little relief, of course until my next levels were drawn.....
Cody and I had, had many conversations about increasing our family size sooner then later. We weighed all our options, and with Cody still having two years left in the army, there is a possibility that he may have to deploy one more time before getting out. Since he was so lucky to miss Addyson's entire first year of life, we did not want that to happen to our next child. We made a decision to try and conceive while he was home on R&R (around Xmas 2007); which is not as easy as it seems.
After having Addyson I thought everything was going to look up for me (as far as getting a regular period, etc). Well, that ended around September. I gave it until October and decided that I would indeed need to refer back to fertility drugs (i.e. Clomid) to get pregnant. I called my doctor (now that I have a doctor I can call----thank you United Healthcare) and we put forth a plan of trying to get me pregnant during those 20 days Cody would be home. We had it all planned out, and if everything worked out then we would indeed be able to conceive while Cody was home on R&R.
The journey to conceive was causing a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. Why? I swore I would not get my period after taking my progesterone. Finally...10 days after finishing Clomid she arrived (and it just so happened to be the day after Cody arrived home) --- ironic? Very! It was a blessing in disguise, that is for sure. I started taking my OPK tests the day after finishing clomid, and again was very discouraged. Would the lines every be the same??? Finally, on January 3, 2008 I got a positive OPK and ran back into the bedroom (mind you my old bedroom back home in Illinois ---- that's a whole other story) and announced with delight it was time. LOL!
Cody's R&R was extended until mid January, because his mother passed away while he was home on R&R. With all the stress of traveling to Illinois and my MIL passing away, I had truly given up on TTC and did not believe that I would get a positive HPT. Since Cody's leave was extended, I was able to test while he was home, and day after day I get coming back to bed pissed off. I so badly wanted a positive HPT. On day 10, I saw a faint line, a line I swore I was make believing. I woke Cody up and told him to take a look and he said that yes, there definitely was a line. OMG OMG!!! YAY!!! Then, began my obsession with testing daily twice a day to verify that I was pregnant and that the line was getting darker. The day before Cody was to head back to Iraq I had my blood drawn and at 12DPO my HCG level was 124 (which was a great number). So, I felt a little relief, of course until my next levels were drawn.....
Fourth of July - what could have been
I could easily go nuts right now with the comments made today by my oh-so loving mother, but I'm holding back. I only threw the phone across the couch and retreated inward to avoid the negativity. Instead of boring you with this rage, I will reflect on a more important issue.
Instead of explaining the importance of the 4th of July in general, and my ever growing sense of pride for my husband, I will explain why the 4th means even more to us.
July 4th, 2005 Cody was home for R&R and we had made our first attempt at trying to conceive on our own. Little did we know that it would beeasytrying to get pregnant. We had a great weekend planned up in Atlanta for the 4th. We had tickets to a Braves vs Cubs game (Cody loves the Cubs, and I despise them, but since I'm such a great wife I not only bought him tickets to the game, but also a jersey as well). That morning I decided to take a pregnancy test, since I was only a couple days shy of starting my period. Holy shit it was positive! I freaked, he freaked, we freaked. It worked on the first try! No WAY! Ok, ok, breathe. Considering we were young, naive, and blind to what our future would hold we blurted the news to any and every one. We were on cloud nine, and the 4th of July could not have been any more perfect, as I felt Cody rub my tummy as we watched the fireworks that evening at Turner Field. Just a couple days later Cody headed back to Iraq to finish up his tour, and it was hard, harder then I could imagine having to say goodbye again after we had just found out the most exciting news in the world.
How quickly our conversations changed to discuss baby names, how stupid were we? Seriously! Just before August started, the most horrifying event happened to me. I started off with some light spotting and called some close friends who said it was probably nothing, but to call just in case. I called the hospital and they said if it continues to go to the ER. My mom was visiting me and had already started buying a couple baby outfits, blankets, and a couple maternity shirts for me to wear. That evening we made the trip to the ER, which we waited for hours to see someone and when we finally did I had an U/S where the tech didn't sound like things were very promising when she asked me oh, how far along are you? Hmm...the baby isn't measuring that far, but I can't say anything I'm just a tech. Then why the fuck did you say anything at all bitch? I called the next day to schedule a follow up appointment and actually saw someone in OBGYN, alone. I didn't want my mother there, I didn't want anyone except my baby. The doctor did an exam and at that moment I was miscarrying and I will not share the rest of the details of that day, because they are still too traumatic to live through again (even 3 years later).
I spent the next 5 months seeing the doctor and not get any answers as to why I wasn't getting a period. When Cody arrived home safely in December we continued our attempt to get pregnant, but little did we know it wasn't as simple as just trying. From July to April I had 2 periods that were induced with progesterone and had, had enough. After fighting with the doctor and finally getting someone to listen to me from patient affairs I was referred out to an RE. We started the process in May and found out that the pill had convinced my body that I was "normal," and that it was a miracle I even got pregnant in the first place. That was hard to swallow. We attempted our first cycle on Clomid and were unsuccessful. I can recall that elevator ride as if it were yesterday. As soon as those doors shut I lost it, and Cody (being the strong one in the relationship) promised me that everything would work out.
That August we got our positive pregnancy test and April 11, 2007 we brought that little miracle baby into the world.
Not only will I my heart be booming with pride tomorrow for Cody's unmistakable self service to this country, but I will be remembering where we were 3 years ago. It's a day that I will never forget, and even though it was short lived, and we were faced with so many unknowns, I can't help but wonder if these twins were give to us to remember, and never forget our first.
Instead of explaining the importance of the 4th of July in general, and my ever growing sense of pride for my husband, I will explain why the 4th means even more to us.
July 4th, 2005 Cody was home for R&R and we had made our first attempt at trying to conceive on our own. Little did we know that it would be
How quickly our conversations changed to discuss baby names, how stupid were we? Seriously! Just before August started, the most horrifying event happened to me. I started off with some light spotting and called some close friends who said it was probably nothing, but to call just in case. I called the hospital and they said if it continues to go to the ER. My mom was visiting me and had already started buying a couple baby outfits, blankets, and a couple maternity shirts for me to wear. That evening we made the trip to the ER, which we waited for hours to see someone and when we finally did I had an U/S where the tech didn't sound like things were very promising when she asked me oh, how far along are you? Hmm...the baby isn't measuring that far, but I can't say anything I'm just a tech. Then why the fuck did you say anything at all bitch? I called the next day to schedule a follow up appointment and actually saw someone in OBGYN, alone. I didn't want my mother there, I didn't want anyone except my baby. The doctor did an exam and at that moment I was miscarrying and I will not share the rest of the details of that day, because they are still too traumatic to live through again (even 3 years later).
I spent the next 5 months seeing the doctor and not get any answers as to why I wasn't getting a period. When Cody arrived home safely in December we continued our attempt to get pregnant, but little did we know it wasn't as simple as just trying. From July to April I had 2 periods that were induced with progesterone and had, had enough. After fighting with the doctor and finally getting someone to listen to me from patient affairs I was referred out to an RE. We started the process in May and found out that the pill had convinced my body that I was "normal," and that it was a miracle I even got pregnant in the first place. That was hard to swallow. We attempted our first cycle on Clomid and were unsuccessful. I can recall that elevator ride as if it were yesterday. As soon as those doors shut I lost it, and Cody (being the strong one in the relationship) promised me that everything would work out.
That August we got our positive pregnancy test and April 11, 2007 we brought that little miracle baby into the world.
Not only will I my heart be booming with pride tomorrow for Cody's unmistakable self service to this country, but I will be remembering where we were 3 years ago. It's a day that I will never forget, and even though it was short lived, and we were faced with so many unknowns, I can't help but wonder if these twins were give to us to remember, and never forget our first.
Forgotten
Comments I hear weekly: "You are pregnant again?!" "Wow that was fast!" "Oops." "You'll have your hands full." "You must be extremely fertile."
I want to scream!!!! It is so easy for all of us to simply judge a book by it's cover.
I'm hating it lately, and I think it all really got to me this afternoon. My sister called and she was explaining to me her pregnancy test and still not getting her period. Friday will be 6 weeks since her m/c and the doctor told her that she should get her period within 4-6 weeks. She so badly wants to be pregnant again, and is stressing like we all have done or do. I'm telling her to go get more tests and to test in a couple days in the morning and look at the test within the stated time limit, and not any later. The following comment is what really hit me hard in my throat, "Why buy any more tests? I'm sick of being disappointed. If I'm not pregnant then let me get my period." I understand the whole wanting to just know and to not be in limbo any more, been there done that many times. But, what really bothered me was the part where she explains getting disappointed (two different times now within the past 6 weeks).
I felt forgotten at that moment. The year long battle to finally get some answers was squashed, as if it never existed. Instead I am fertile, because I have 1 child and am expecting 2 more. Is it really that easy for others to forget or ignore the possibility that it isn't easy to get pregnant once children have entered the picture. You think you have been disappointed?? You are talking to the wrong woman! But, I just hold it in, knowing that she has forgotten, and is indeed disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I did want to go off on a little tangent, but I realized that it would not do any good...and what would it help me do? I don't want pity...I'm better then that. I just took a gulp and kept it all in.
How many of us feel that our own struggle with IF is forgotten or ignored (especially by those we hold close to our hearts)?
I'm not asking for people to dwell on it, but I don't want it all to be forgotten. For me, I will and can NOT forget the struggle.
I want to scream!!!! It is so easy for all of us to simply judge a book by it's cover.
I'm hating it lately, and I think it all really got to me this afternoon. My sister called and she was explaining to me her pregnancy test and still not getting her period. Friday will be 6 weeks since her m/c and the doctor told her that she should get her period within 4-6 weeks. She so badly wants to be pregnant again, and is stressing like we all have done or do. I'm telling her to go get more tests and to test in a couple days in the morning and look at the test within the stated time limit, and not any later. The following comment is what really hit me hard in my throat, "Why buy any more tests? I'm sick of being disappointed. If I'm not pregnant then let me get my period." I understand the whole wanting to just know and to not be in limbo any more, been there done that many times. But, what really bothered me was the part where she explains getting disappointed (two different times now within the past 6 weeks).
I felt forgotten at that moment. The year long battle to finally get some answers was squashed, as if it never existed. Instead I am fertile, because I have 1 child and am expecting 2 more. Is it really that easy for others to forget or ignore the possibility that it isn't easy to get pregnant once children have entered the picture. You think you have been disappointed?? You are talking to the wrong woman! But, I just hold it in, knowing that she has forgotten, and is indeed disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I did want to go off on a little tangent, but I realized that it would not do any good...and what would it help me do? I don't want pity...I'm better then that. I just took a gulp and kept it all in.
How many of us feel that our own struggle with IF is forgotten or ignored (especially by those we hold close to our hearts)?
I'm not asking for people to dwell on it, but I don't want it all to be forgotten. For me, I will and can NOT forget the struggle.
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